My Breakdown

It’s hard to admit.  I have even tried to hide from it since I was never officially diagnosed with having a nervous breakdown.  But I can’t think of any other way to describe it.  Looking back, I can see that there were years leading up to it.  I had gone back into the classroom. Oh yeah, did I mention I was a teacher? I was in the classroom for 13 years.  I loved it!  I complained about the hours and how tired I was, but I loved it.  I wanted to be a teacher for as long as I could remember.  I took such joy in watching my students light up when they finally understood what I was teaching them.  I taught K-2 over the years so most of what I taught was foundational skills.  I couldn’t dream of being or doing anything else.  It felt natural to be in the classroom.  Like that is what I was meant to be doing. Then for 3 years I moved to a position where I worked with teachers.  Although I missed the kids, I saw this position as an opportunity to help more than the 25-30 kids I saw every day.  I now had the opportunity to help hundreds of students be successful.  Sure, there were a few parts of my job I disliked.  But overall, I still loved my job.  After some changes in the district I worked for I went back to the classroom in 2015.  This is when I started to notice my spiraling.  

I started a new school after 13 years at feeling at home at another one.  But that wasn’t the problem.  Suddenly, teaching felt foreign.  Like I didn’t know what to do.  I remember planning for the first few weeks and not having any idea how to begin the year.  I had some students who tested me, and I couldn’t find a way to build a relationship while disciplining and keeping order in my classroom.  I used to set an alarm once my daughter was born to make sure I got home at a reasonable hour.  Now, I couldn’t wait to get out of school at the end of the day.  I felt lost.  But this was my 17th year teaching.  I had built up some expertise in my different positions , committees and leadership roles.  Where had all this expertise gone?  And I felt like I couldn’t show how I was feeling.  So, I hid in my classroom and didn’t reach out much to the other teachers in the building.  And my room was in a corner that was super conducive to hiding.  I felt lost and isolated.  The next two years were more of the same.  I couldn’t get back in the swing of teaching.  I couldn’t build the relationships while pushing my students to be their best.  I was having major discipline problems in my classroom.  Problems I had never dealt with before.  And the feeling of being lost and isolated kept me from being able to figure out how to solve these problems.  Things escalated and no matter what or how hard I tried , nothing worked.  And this was just in the classroom.  Home life wasn’t much better.  I was having more sleep issues.  I was finding less and less joy in life.  I had less energy to do things with my daughter and family.  God, that is so painful to put into writing.  My family suffered because of how I was feeling.  I am the wife and mom.  The leader of the family.  I was having issues and they were negatively affecting my family.  The more I realized this, the more I retreated into myself.  It was a vicious cycle I couldn’t break. 

Then, October 5, 2017, I went to the doctor because I was having issues with my heart.  I could feel it beating and it hurt.  My mom died from congestive heart failure (that’s another post) and I wanted to be checked out just in case I was having heart problems.  Although I was pretty sure this wasn’t the case.   I was 99.9% sure this was stress.  The doctor confirmed what I believed and prescribed a medication to help me destress.  October 6, 2017 was the second worst day of my life.  I was at work.  My students were really acting up.  I was demoralized in front of parents and colleagues.  We were headed on a fieldtrip with parent witnesses to one of my students having a meltdown that lasted almost the entire trip.  I had to rely on the other teachers (Thank God for them) to watch my students because I couldn’t leave this one.  He needed all my attention.  All of this caused me such stress that I didn’t feel real anymore.  I felt as if I was watching myself from a distance.  I could feel me going through the motions, but I was out of body.  I think this checking out was the only way I could have made it through the day.  Because when I got home and told my husband about my day, I had a full-blown panic attack.  My heart hurt, I cried, I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking.  I went to the doctor the next day and was put on medical leave.  I couldn’t think about work without having a panic attack.  Even driving the path I took to get to work caused such anxiety that worried my husband.  October 6, 2017 was the eruption of everything I was feeling and going through up until then. This was my break down. 

I tell you this very painful story that I tried to hide from everyone, including myself, not to gain sympathy.  Not to prove I’ve had hard times.  Not to give an excuse why I took time off work, didn’t call, didn’t answer the phone, didn’t attend events, etc.  I share this because I hope one person out there can go “Yes! That’s how I felt.  I am not alone. I do not need to feel ashamed.  I do not need to hide.”  If any part of my story resonates with you, please don’t hide.  Start by talking with a friend or family member.  Don’t isolate yourself.  Share your stories with me.  Embark on my journey with me to jump start your own.  You are worth it!