Effects of My Breakdown

It’s been over a year since I had my breakdown and I am still feeling the effects of it. I have become very anxious. More so than I have ever been. It has been a rough road, but I am ready to learn to heal.

Effects on my Sleep: Where have all the ZZZ’s gone?

One of the first effects I noticed was my sleeping habits were all screwed up. I often have trouble falling and staying asleep at night. Five hours of sleep is a good night. It is exhausting. The exhaustion that comes with depression doesn’t help. The combination of the depression and the lack of sleep meant I would sleep all day. Sometimes I only get up when I absolutely have to. But at times I’m back in bed as soon as I can. Sleeping all day made it hard to sleep at night. It was a vicious cycle I just couldn’t break.

Effects on my Work: I’m Out

The day after my breakdown, my doctor put me on medical leave. I couldn’t think about work without having a panic attack. There was no way I could actually do my job well and my students deserved better. Luckily, I had enough sick days that I was paid and received my benefits… at first. Eventually they ran out. So, my family lost the 19-year career salary and the benefits that come with it. My husband was new to his career so was not making as much. It was a big pay cut that really affected my family. I feel so guilty about having to change my family’s lifestyle. There is that vicious cycle again.

Effects on my body: Weight Up – Energy Down

With all the sleeping and lack of motivation, I no longer move in my daily life. I go from the house to the car to my destination. This is it. When I was teaching, I walked around the classroom all day. Now I have become a slug that only wants to eat comfort food. I gained 40 pounds in the year since my breakdown. There are so many things, like standing in line at the bank, that I have a hard time doing now. I ache from the extra weight and lack of muscle tone. Now that it is harder to move, and I have little energy, I move less and hover at that high number on the scale. Again, the vicious cycle is at play.

Effects on my Environment:  Hoarders in the House

Since my family no longer had my income, we had to find ways to cut back on spending. One way was getting rid of our storage unit. That was a huge expense we didn’t need. My husband, God bless him, started bringing boxes home and unpacking them. The problem he ran into was not having the space to put things away or to pack away to sell. This left boxes and household items lying around the house. More and more boxes came home with still no place to put them. But we had to get rid of storage. I can’t walk into the living room without becoming completely overwhelmed. My husband is working on cleaning things up but his only one person. So I feel guilty not helping as much as I should. The more guilt, the more overwhelmed I feel. There’s that darn vicious cycle again.

Effects on Me: Sorrow, Sorrow, Sad, Sad (sorry Ren and Stimpy)

Do you know those things that make you laugh so hard you cry and your belly hurts? I don’t experience those much anymore. I also don’t play with my daughter as much as I used to. My joy for life has been lost. Deep down I want to do things as a family like play games, go to the movies, or take weekend trips. I have to push myself to do them. Often, I feel like I am just going through the motions. Again, I feel guilty and want to retreat into my little hole. The vicious cycle rears its ugly head again.

Now I reflect on all these effects and realize I was experiencing all of them for years. Before, I was able to push them down deep and ignore them B.B. (before breakdown). Now, I am in a place where I am ready and willing to find health and happiness. That is why I embarked on this journey. I am going to find small ways to become happy and healthy again. Please join me as I write about my successes and failures. Try your own baby steps. Share your successes and failures with me. Let’s do this together.

In health and happiness,

Stephanie