Losing Myself…Again

After a month and a half of feeling like I was on the right path, I started losing myself again. I started falling into my black hole. I tried stopping it but I couldn’t. This time I decided to embrace it. I let myself feel my feelings and tried not to feel too guilty when I napped. I talked to my husband…well a little bit. I’m still working on it. As I tried to work through my slump, I had to let somethings go. My writing included. I started to slowly find myself again and I am back on my journey.

Losing Myself in my February/March Slump

For the last 15 years or so, I’ve always had a slump that started in February and continued through March. It started with work. I was low man on the totem pole at the school in which I started teaching. This meant that if the number of students in a grade level changed, the number of classes at the level also changed. Every February I waited to find out what grade level I’d be teaching or in the early years if I even had a job. It was stressful waiting for something I couldn’t control. This year I had to make the decision about whether I would return to work or resign. This was a very difficult decision to make

To Go Back or Not Go Back

Going Back

The thought of going back to work gave me a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. After all, work is where I had my breakdown. The last couple of years of teaching caused a lot of stress. Going back would mean going back to an atmosphere that was unhealthy for me. And, as I described in my post about my breakdown, teaching felt foreign to me. I couldn’t quite get a handle on what I was doing, regardless of my years of experience. Students deserve better than a teacher who feels like she’s flailing daily. Going back would mean losing my healthier self.

Resigning

However, resigning was stressful too. I was the breadwinner in my family, a consistent paycheck. My husband is paid hourly so his paycheck varies. I was also paid through the summer since my district withheld some of my pay throughout the year. We could always count on my check. I also carried our benefits. Paying into my retirement pension was automatic. My family also had good insurance at a good price through me. Resigning drastically impacted my family. As I have been mulling over this decision, I have also gotten a barrage of “What are you going to do now?” “Maybe you could…” I feel guilty. Like staying home was weak or unacceptable in some way. I also feel guilty about adding new pressures to my husband. And resigning meant losing my teacher self that has been a part of me my entire life.

Not All Bad

There are some plus sides to not going back, however. First and foremost, I get to spend my time with and on my family. I can help my daughter with her homework without having to rush her through it because I have my own work. She’s in a dual language classroom which means most of her homework is in another language. She needs extra time to translate and I have more time to do that with her. Her homework also usually includes reading. I can sit and listen to her read now. And have a conversation with her about what she’s reading. I used to “listen” while grading papers. I also get to volunteer a lot more at her school by helping plan PTA events, run book fairs, and volunteer at other events.

Aside from spending more time with my family if I resign, I have time to continue my journey. Before, there were lots of negative effects of my breakdown, including the effect it had on my family. Having time to get healthy is not only good for me, but also for those I love.

Losing My Mom

I lost my mom in March. This adds greatly to my March slump. She had health problems for a long time but her actual death was unexpected. Because of this, I have many unanswered questions from her. These questions have had a major effect on me and how I feel about myself. It causes a constant battle in me. Losing her also meant losing a big piece of myself.

I miss her daily. I miss her expertise. Her friendship. And most of all, I miss her relationship with my daughter. My daughter was only 3 when my mom past away. I try to keep her memory alive for my daughter but I don’t know how much of her memory is actually hers and how much is what I have told her.

Another huge impact on me is losing my mom just days after my birthday. My birthday now has a shadow cast over it. We were supposed to celebrate together but she wasn’t feeling well and canceled. Within the next day or two, I got the call that she was in the hospital. Once she got to the hospital, she was unresponsive. I didn’t know my last words to her would be about canceling for my birthday. I expected her to feel better and celebrate later. This is one reason that I often don’t really feel like celebrating at all.

Next Steps

I have officially made my decision to resign from teaching. At least for now. I feel like I am losing myself in some ways but finding myself in others. So now I am trying to find my purpose. What do I do with myself now with all the extra hours that I have? How do I make peace with myself and stop feeling guilty because I am no longer working? How to feel good about being selfish by taking care of me?

To help get me on the right path, I have created a daily schedule for summer. I have scheduled time to play with my daughter and family, time to get work done around the house, to work on things like my writing, and time for me to do things that will help me become healthier and happier. I have also started bullet journaling. This helps me keep all the above organized. I have a place to write in events and activities, tasks that need to be completed, and keep track of habits I am trying instill in myself. I also have a place to write down my goals. All the things I need to become more balanced in life and become more present in what I am doing.

Next is to develop a new affirmation. To my surprise, my last affirmation worked really well. Time to go through my worksheet again and determine what I need next.

For those of you reading this, thank you for not giving up on me. I am back on my journey and I hope you come along.

In health and happiness,

Stephanie